dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I've blown a few things in my day
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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