...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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