I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
