So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
