Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
