Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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