Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
