I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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