you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
