Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
