i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
