When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
