tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
