i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
