**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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