His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
