why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
