They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
