I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
