I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
