I wannas sexs uuuuu
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
