all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
