Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
