This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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