You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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