Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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