Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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