TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
