Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
