I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
