what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
