Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
