You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Let's get the cat blown out
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
