Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
