i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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