Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
