Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
