3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When did angry sex become our thing?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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