just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
