I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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