Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
