My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
