Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
