I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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