I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
