I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Best friends brother. Beat that.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
