I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
why is half of my head shaved?
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