i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
