He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
