I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
